A Message From Heaven For Those Left Behind

Well, who knew the crazy people would call the right time when not even Jesus knew?  Right at 6PM, Mean Greenwich Time (so God could split the difference in time zones), I was taken up into heaven after a loud trumpet blast, which may or may not have been my dog’s flatulence, in hindsight.

It’s nice here.  Mother Theresa has a huge place, of course.  37 rooms, 41 bathrooms, and all chock full of people who used to be destitute and dying but are now just a bunch of party animals.  You can hear MT’s sound system thumping from several thousand miles away.

Donald Trump is here, too.  I know, I was as surprised as anyone.  He’s got a nice little studio apartment.  No washer or dryer or A/C, but it’s got a great view of Mother Theresa’s place.  Sadly, his hair was left behind.

Anywho.   If you got left behind, either because of your own stubborness or your very sincere and pious faith, just wanted to let you know you’re always welcome.  I hear December 2012’s going to be another big time of “vaccuuming up the needy ones” as Jesus calls it.  That guy is hilarious and way more friendly than you might think.

See you soon!

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About jesserice

Speaker | Author | Digital Culture Expert | Sit-Down Comedian

Posted on May 21, 2011, in lifestyle and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Hey, so you are here too? Thank God one of the guys I read on earth is here… St Peter gave me an Ipad (well, He gave Ipads, and android tablets to everyone as they were entering the gates of heaven), and I just couldn’t find any of the stuff I read on earth. I called customer service and they asked me to wait for all godly bloggers to be assigned their homes,etc..(Hey, its so cool that here in heaven you can “call” anyone just by making a “phone” sign with your hand, wow!)

    So, it was a surprise to me that Harold Camping was here. I didn’t like his preaching very much, and he made so many people angry with all that rapture non-sense, but, it was true after all!

    He was giving autographs (writing with his finger on tablets) to the crowd of cheering supporters and hugging people, when a fine gentleman by the name of Jesus asked the crowd for some silence. He then started to speak in a language that was not English, but sounded like english with a spanish accent or at least I understood every word of it.

    Jesus said: Harold thank you, faithful servant. You know buddy, We realized there were still many people that needed to be saved and who didn’t get a chance to hear the gospel, and I almost changed my mind about the rapture date. I had a board meeting with the disciples and Judas said…
    –whoooo? the crowd said-
    – oh, Judas, yes people He is here…- He was just a victim of circumstances, no hard feelings for him, so He is my personal assistant now, no way He will ever betray me, that’s not gonna happen…

    So..going back to Harold, I had a board meeting and Judas said that I would make you feel like a crazy old little guy if we didn’t show up…I got a little mad with Judas and told him: -You don’t understand dude! If we don’t show up that will be my mercy working right there! Crazy old guy? He will not be the first one! remember “Smelly chubby fish”? Jonah? We changed our mind and made him look like stupid…after preaching doom to that little town, we decided not to have fun with our lasers. I mean, they showed some fear of God and repented! And the same thing was happening with Harold’s preaching: he did what no one else in the world did for fear of looking like stupid:

    HE MADE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT MY SECOND COMING, HE MADE PEOPLE ACTUALLY REPENT AND GO BACK TO CHURCH, I MEAN, THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT ON CNN!! Can you believe that? CNN, FOX NEWS, PEOPLE!! Oh, and thank you for the billboards! that was so cool!

    -Well, we showed up and the rapture took place, but even if it didn’t happen, Harold (and Jonah) were some of the best and more faithful servants ever…Give it up for Harold y’all!!

    – Ok, Thanks everyone for coming…I guess I’ll see you forever, ha ha ha!
    Then Jesus jumped on to his nice and shinny flying scooter and disappeared …

    – What am I doing here any anyways? I was a democrat!
    – its that Marylin Monroe? no way…wait, its B.C. Cupp… cool, yeah man…
    – Bart Simpson is here?

    Thanks for reading, pardon y grammar mistakes, english is not my first language…

    • thanks for the further insight – I liked your perspective on the healthy shock we may all experience at who’s “in” with Jesus, the very person that seemed to draw the circle way outside of where the religious leaders used to (still do) draw it. Also, your English is excellent!

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