I Know God Loves Me, But I Still Don’t “Get It”

When I’m feeding him a bottle of his mother’s milk at ungodly hours of the morning, he scowls at me like I just put a dent in his car and won’t ‘fess up.

When he sleeps, his arms hang in perfect little “L”s to either side of him, as though he’s flexing for an adoring audience.

When I change his diaper, I am in awe of the process that turns breast milk – “liquid gold”, as they call it – into guacamole.  ‘Cause that’s what it is: guacamole.  Somebody pass me some tortilla chips.

And that’s pretty much all my 11-week-old-son does: eats, sleeps, and poops.  And do you know how that makes me feel?

“This is my son, whom I love.  With him I am well-pleased.”

That little ball of baby fat rolls can’t do a thing but I am madly, passionately, ridiculously, embarrassingly in love with him.  More so every day.

Now, I’ve heard other dads say things like, “I never really understood my Heavenly Father’s love for me until I became a Father.  Now I get it.”

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I still don’t “get it”.  I still don’t seem to have formed whatever neural or spiritual pathways that would be responsible for allowing feelings of deep, deep love to pour into my heart and splash over the sides onto others.

But I know it has something to do with how I feel about Ryder James.  He’s totally helpless, can’t keep a job, never cleans up after himself, refuses to lead a small group at church, but I can’t imagine being any happier with him.  I turn into a pile of goo just thinking about him.

Sometimes it all makes me feel like I’ve stumbled upon a deep vein of gold and all I’ve got is a rusty spoon to try get the rich stuff out.

Jesus, help me “get it” even more today.

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About jesserice

Speaker | Author | Digital Culture Expert | Sit-Down Comedian

Posted on November 29, 2011, in lifestyle, relationships and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. When I became a mother, I thought I would “get it” as well. Fourteen years and three kids later, I still feel empty at times, standing there with my rusty spoon. But those empty times are much fewer and farther between. I believe that anything God allows in our lives (or withholds, for whatever reason), is ultimately to bring us into closer relationship with him. The very thing that has strengthened our journey together caused me to question my faith at times and even made me run from him on occasion. But I can tell you that there is purpose in everything. Keep praying, keep walking with Him, and keep KNOWING that he will ultimately reveal himself to you in that way. His timing is perfect. Oh, and I wouldn’t trade my rusty spoon for anything. It’s gotten me farther than I ever thought I’d get. The small gold flakes that come off have done me more good than getting that great, big nugget all at once. I think if I’d broken off a giant hunk, I probably would have run off with it.

    • “The small gold flakes that come off have done me more good than getting that great, big nugget all at once. I think if I’d broken off a giant hunk, I probably would have run off with it.” BEAUTIFUL thoughts! Thank you for sharing them – very encouraging.

  2. You’ll really get it when Ryder DOES do things. Things like spill milk on your new laptop or shoplift on a school trip or get involved with drugs or be the school bully. When you still gush like you are gushing today when he embarrasses you, disappoints you, turns his back on you or breaks your heart, that’s when you will begin to really understand. Love to Katie and Ryder…

    • good point, Joan. When my heart gets pulverized because of future choices he makes, I imagine that will let me in even more to the mystery of God’s prodigal love.

  3. I know the feeling, Jesse. Thanks for sharing:-)

  4. Just writing from Vancouver, Canada. Read your blog on Don Miller’s site, which lead me to yours, and have to say I get what you’re saying:) Plus, I quite enjoy the little videos you and your wife do … I betcha that there is a lot of laughter in your home. What a blessing, Carol

    • Carol – I love me some Canadians! And Vancouver is a spectacular city. Thanks for sharing your encouraging words and blessings on your Christmas season!

  5. Jesse,
    This was hilarous! I am enjoying your candid writing.

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